saying no is not easy

No to Ourselves

Our last baby, our little girl, turns 3 in a few days. I wanted a few new baby things when she was born but did not have the money to buy them. I remember telling Dan that I would use what we had but that I really wanted to replace a few things when we had our next baby. So here we are, a couple months away from having our next baby, and I have to decided what to do.

Our bouncy seat is 7 years old and has a tear in it, but it still works. Our bassinet broke after the last baby, so I was always planning to replace that and I would love to get some new crib bedding. I have been looking around at bassinets and bouncy seats for the past few months. I had it narrowed down and even put them in my "shopping cart". They would have cost a little over $200 for both. After seeing how little progress we made on our debt these last few months, I have been feeling really guilty about buying anything. I finally decided I will use our old pack n' play as the bassinet. It's not ideal, but it will work for what we need. I am also going to fix the tear and reuse the bouncy seat. I've become a little attached to it anyway. :) It reminds me of the kids when they were little. And other than a sheet, you really don't need crib bedding. It's more for looks really.

There are still a few things that I would like to get when the baby is born. I always get a new outfit and blanket for coming home from the hospital and even though I have kept most of my baby clothes, there will be a few things I will need to get. I also need to buy a new car seat. I went through all of my baby clothes over the weekend and decided to sell any and everything that I won't need. I also went back through the kids clothes and did the same thing. I usually hang on to stuff like that for "just in case", but I am just storing a lot of it right now. It would be years before I would use some of it anyway. I will put it on the Children's Consignment Sale in September and use the money to buy whatever it is I need for the baby. EMPHASIS ON NEED!! I actually feel relieved making the decision not to buy much. It's just not worth it in the end.

No to Others

We are in charge of planning the family reunion on Dan's dad's side next year. Between gas, extra food and the cost to camp itself, the reunion this year cost us about $400. We certainly love getting together with extended family, but it turned out to be a trip we almost regret. If we would have skipped the 4 camping trips we went on, we would have saved about $1500. That is a lot of money and honestly, we are not sure it was all worth it. It has really made us think about what things we are willing to spend money on in the next year or so.

Between the two of us, we have 4 sides of parents, 16 brothers and sisters, 8 brother and sister in-laws, multiple nieces and nephews, cousins, aunts, uncles and grandparents that we are close with. The opportunities to get together are endless. There is ALWAYS a birthday, graduation, confirmation, holiday, reunion or other event or planned activity going on. We are so blessed and feel so grateful for such a big, loving family, but at the same time, we often feel very torn on what things to attend. Only a few on my side live in the same town as us. Everyone else is 4-6 hours away. Gas is not cheap and the events usually cost money themselves. Even if we only did a couple things with each side of the family, the cost would add up to more then we have right now.

We had a very long talk about what the next year will be like for us. We started out this year saying we would limit ourselves, but still try and do a few things. All that has done is make us feel like we are playing favorites and put us behind on paying off debt. We LOVE our families, but we just can't keep going this way. That is our reality right now.

Every year, we plan a weekend with Dan's family to get together around Christmas. We love it. Everyone looks forward to spending time together around Christ's birthday. We all go to church together, spend the day/weekend together and just have a good time. Between gas, gifts and food, it ends up being a fairly expensive weekend for us. We have been giving a lot thought to this as well.

The problem we are having is being fair spending time with everyone. My sister asked me a while ago why we always seem to prioritize one side of the family over the other. I didn't have a good answer for her. One side is bigger and plans events better than the other, so there are more opportunities with them. She told me it hurts her feelings sometimes and wishes we would spend more time with them. I completely understand her point. We can't say yes to some and not to other's and if we can't do it all, then we have to say no to everyone.

We decided to say no to the reunion next year and will more than likely stay home for Christmas as well. We know this is going to disappoint a lot of people and some will even be mad at us. It's so hard to say no to these things. I know there are people in the family that will say certain things should just be a priority and while I agree with them to some degree, our individual family needs to come first. If the stress of prioritizing extended family is too great on our marriage or on our kids, then we have to say no.

Being a part of some of these extended family events would mean one of two things. We either put off paying down our debt to avoid putting things on a credit card, or we take away the few things that our own family enjoys in exchange. I do not want to tell the boys they can't play t-ball or give up our summer pool pass to be able to make it for Christmas or a reunion. Until we get more debt paid off, it honestly boils down to making those kinds of choices. I know it sounds selfish and that we don't care about other people, but that is not the case at all. We can't wait to be in a position where being a part of everything is something we can enjoy without it causing any kind of stress. That day will come sooner than later if we can make the sacrifices now. Unfortunately, they are not easy sacrafices to make. Although, they shouldn't be. Our debt, mistakes and foolishness have been huge, so the sacrafice has to match.
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